Television ads? Thank you very much Mr. TIVO.

Billboards? My eyes are on the road, Bub.

How about posters or wooden signs? Since the weather has withered the images on those pathetic little signs you’re using, I can’t even read the print.

And banner ads? Sure, if you like a .03 percent click-through rate. Nice waste of money…punk.

OR, there’s one of the oldest, most durable, and – like a man with a mustache – the best looking, form of advertising. No, not a prostitute. The METAL sign.

METAL IMPACT BABY!

Back in 1886, our founder Johannes von Stoutenheim began working for the city of St. Louis’ police department, developing METAL signs for the purposes of beating down unruly jail inmates and suspected criminals.

Why do you think Metallica is still around? Because of “Enter Sandman,” “Fade to Black,” and, well, METAL. People pay attention to METAL. Just like literally beating someone over the head with a METAL sign, they won’t be thinking about anything else.

In today’s world there are so many distractions – Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse, cats that look like Hitler, and even overweight monkeys wearing shirts. But the impact of METAL eliminates many of them. Consider that unless you’ve been drinking heavily, you don’t “friend” a METAL sign. There’s no fast-forwarding through METAL either. And the only augmented reality of METAL is, well, more METAL. Plus, METAL doesn’t blog about you how dumb you are.

That’s why large brands ranging from Exxon-Mobil, Miller Brewing, DeKalb, Harley-Davidson, Coca Cola, Marathon Oil, Red Bull, Jiffy Lube, Lee Jeans, and Circle K – to small and midsize businesses like Deschutes Brewery, Speed Lube, Hoppe’s 9, and Huck’s Convenience Market – have all found religion in the impact of METAL.

Stout understands the impact of METAL, and so do the hundreds of partner companies that have engaged Stout since its humble, criminal beating beginnings back in 1886.